Crazy
by IlovemyDeanBean
Summary: *spoilerish* Jing Mei goes through a new sort of day at work


The thing I told myself, I kept telling myself over and over was that the   
minute this place took my soul, I would leave.  
  
The very second I grew heartless and too daring, that I would  
quit.  
  
  
Just the idea of being and turning into someone that I didn't know, and  
didn't trust, I would leave County.  
  
**********  
not sayin'   
not charmed at all   
not sayin'   
that you weren't worth   
the fall   
and i was alone when   
i knew it was real   
down the canyon   
when i knew i had come   
**********  
  
The morning was the same. The same dark gray sky, the same feeling of  
pure dread that pulled her from the sheets into the bathroom, where  
she washed her face and prayed.  
  
"I've wanted this for so long. Just let me go on one more day"  
  
  
There are lines on her porcelain skin that wasnn't there before. Bruises  
on her temple, where the gun had pressed into her head, bruises where he  
grabbed her wrist, pressed his cold fingers into her racing pulse, the  
twitching wrist.  
  
"I gave up so much to be here."  
  
  
Holding up a clump of hair to the light, she saw lines of gray.  
  
**********  
to the line   
through the dawn   
to the light   
to the turn   
when you said   
**********  
  
I wanted to be whole. I had spent so much time here, that I didn't  
realize when I'd become the person I always hated.  
  
I had been through so much hurt that I couldn't tell when I didn't  
feel anymore. When I would look into the face of an anglo-man and  
scowl.  
  
Scowl because I didn't know what they were thinking. How they were  
thinking. And if they were all insane and violent and wanted to kill  
me.  
  
I had become this person I hadn't wanted to be.  
  
**********  
you could drive   
all night   
drive all night   
*********  
  
Holding her breath meant she could stop her heart from beating. Her heart  
from breaking. It was easier to take advantage of her when she was taking  
each breath, gasping for life.  
  
Life didn't exist in these halls.  
  
Everytime she looked at her face in the mirror, she saw the woman  
that panicked. The woman that cried out, her knees shook, tears  
wanted to race down her face.  
  
Stepping into her trousers, she could hear the comments already.  
  
"Maybe it is too soon. Go home, Jing Mei"  
  
Buttoning her blouse, her hands shook. Cold hands that looked blue in  
the bare light of her bedroom.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
She fell. Fell fast, fell hard, fell quickly into the bed, not moving  
for a minute, feeling herself smothered in the sheets, in the big lead-like  
quilt. At least then she could feel.  
  
***********  
so i let crazy   
take a spin   
then i let crazy   
settle in   
kicked off my shoes   
shut reason out   
he said "first let's just   
unzip your religion   
down"   
************  
  
There are monsters under the bed. Monsters in the hall, lurking in   
the corners, waiting to grab me, make me cry.  
  
They were never, ever to see you cry. That means defeat, that means  
you're weak.  
  
It means you're giving into to everything bad, and awful the hospital  
stands for.  
  
It's not healing. It's not clean, or sane.  
  
The best thing to do, is stand back and watch your best friend disappear  
into the nothingness, watch it chip away at this person you'd always admired,  
stand back and tuck your hands behind your back, and just be silent.  
  
*************  
found that i   
i craved at all   
saw me melt   
into your   
native shelter   
where you carved my   
name   
paper tigers scare   
and came   
**************  
  
The alarm clock blinked twelve over and over, the bright red lights  
making shadows on her wall.  
  
And she sat there, clutching her bag in her hands. So many years now,  
that she learned when to go to work. It was internal.  
  
  
This stirring inside her. Cold, goosebumps, nausea.  
  
  
Phone rings once, twice. She eyed the coffee in her old coffee pot, the   
top covered in spiderwebs, the pot boiling over with gray mold. She   
was never home. It didn't matter.  
  
Whenever she stopped in front of the refrigator, it was always someone  
else's face staring back at her.  
  
"I want you dead. DEAD!"  
  
**************  
and as soon   
as you have   
rearranged the mess   
in your head   
he will show up looking   
sane   
perfectly sane   
if i know crazy   
****************  
  
They all stop when I came in. Like when I returned after having the  
baby, they all stop and look at me. Watch me.  
  
..."Patient in Curtain 2 is pissed, Luka!" Randi called,"She's calling  
a lawyer"  
  
And it started. This frenzy that's so easy to get lost in. That doesn't  
stop, ever.  
  
It'll freeze, when someone cries, someone screams..  
  
When someone holds a gun to your head. 


End file.
